State of the League

Fellow Members of the Vince:

As we have arrived at the midway point of the season, we take a moment to reflect on the State of the League. As I contemplate of the State of the League today, I cannot help but think of our humble beginnings. When I founded this league, we were just another fake football league with no common purpose or goal, a ton of douchey managers, and online drafts. At that point, my thoughts shift to the trip to New Jersey when a lack of fuel and too much White Castle merged to force that fateful pit-stop at the Vince Lombardi Memorial Rest Stop. In the bowels of the restroom, and literally in my bowels, a dream was born. A dream of a more perfect League. A League of excellence. A League of greatness. Today, we are the Vince. And we are stronger than ever. I am proud to have presided over this period of growth and prosperity. Although the road has not always been smooth, together we have tackled difficult issues and conquered challenges in making this not just another fake football league, but the premier fake football league.

The commitment of our members sets us apart from all other fake football leagues. We take a moment to acknowledge our members who remain strongly committed to the League despite significant life changes. "27 Tampa" will now manage his team as the "45 Reims" and the "SB Tacos" will soon be the "Freedom Tacos." The intensity of your commitment to the league is matched only by the intensity of your tension over Sidney Rice.

Guided by the lessons and teachings of our Patron Saint Vincent we have bonded together to make a tremendous amount of progress and achieved success in all areas of the League:

• Continuity. 11 of 12 managers for four years and the current composition for three straight years despite spanning 377 miles, four states*, one district and now two continents (4,139.7 miles);  
• increased dues (and thereby payouts) three years in a row; 
• unprecedented amount of parity at the trading deadline;
• underdogs rising up from the ashes and heavy favorites scrambling;
• the greatest draft/meat smoking to date; 
• increased league participation on the league board/email chains;
• casting the league as Batman characters;
• two separate blogs featuring pictures of dildos and poo-Gods;
• the fiery rise of the Birdman from the ashes - thought to be near extinction, now a flaming contender.

*fact: skrillex is a masshole (if he actually has a job that he has to show up for, which is questionable)

Indeed, these are achievements and steps forward that we should celebrate - and celebrate we shall.

As Commissioner I am proud of the steps we have taken together and look forward to using them as building blocks toward a brighter future for all. The Vince is the shining League on a hill.

Yet, we must also acknowledge the stumbles and less-desirable constants in our League. Like the trail of tears (sorry Cunning Stunts), the holocaust (half-sorry DD Sanchez), racial inequality (sorry No Feelings) and disco (sorry Doctotors) we must remind ourselves of these occurrences so that we can continue to evolve and strive to avoid repeating the mistakes of the past:

• less than 100% draft attendance;
• the arms race at the trading deadline; 
• snake versus non-snake debate;
• **updated** letting ra-tards decide that we should put the players picked with traded picks at the bottom of the draft board;
• FecoBrady-rage; 
• undermining tactics of Vice Commissioner Noah Handsomepants Daniels;
• lack of depth (bro);
• the commitment of the Sean Taylor All-Stars to never sniff the playoffs, make a trade, or reply to any league related correspondence. . . ever;
• and the most atrocious and uncalled for of all - unyielding commissioner bashing.

 

Understanding our past failings, we can break them down and mold them into the steel that will forge a stronger League. Cognizant of our humble responsibilities, we must always strive for excellence. Ambitious goals have been set and we are progressing toward jackets, patches and an improved Jim Trophy. I also look forward to further increasing dues (and thereby the payouts), examining the operation of the waiver wire and potential changes thereto, exploring other draft venues, implementing modern technology to improve the draft day experience, purchasing a lock box for car keys on the day of the draft, adding an overseas franchise (the Reims), holding a draft overseas at the Reims headquarters and unveiling a League fight song to be authored and performed by the Crying Dolphins.

In closing, thank you all for your commitment to a better and more prosperous League. As the Patron Saint once said: "Perfection is not attainable. But if we chase perfection, we can catch excellence."

Thank you, God Bless You, God Bless America, and God Bless the Vince.

(applause and HJs)