Power Rankings – Independence Day (1996)

These power rankings* are a not so in depth look at the teams in the league, loosely compared to the cast of the 1996 blockbuster/smashhit/bestmovieever Independence Day.

*power rankings are based on the Yahoo! system

12. SB1070 Tacos – President Thomas J. Whitmore

Having literally traded away every halfway decent player on his roster, SB1070 Tacos has become the league favorite to finish in dead last place.  S. Taylor’s All-Star can breathe a sigh of relief as there may be a team that will beat his in the race to the bottom. Some might argue that President Thomas J. Whitmore is the wrong ranking for a team with a #12 ranking. Make no mistake, this ranking has nothing to do with the team and everything to do with SB1070 Taco’s affinity for the greatest presidential speech in the history of mankind. Mankind…that word should have new meaning for all of us today…

Memorable Quote:

11: Doctotors – Dr. Brackish Okun

It’s surprising to see the 6^th place Doctotors so low in the power rankings.  That might have to do with the always threatening two-tight end set Doctotors seems to think will be effective or the dangerous on paper but hardly effective wide receiving corps. Nevertheless Dr. Brackish Okun (portrayed by Brent Spiner) was the clear choice – a little eccentric, pretends to be knowledgeable, but ultimately gets killed by the aliens and used as a telepathic communications puppet (more on that later).

Memorable Quote: This is the vault. Or as some of us like to call it: The Freak Show. or AUTODRAFT

10: S. Taylor’s All-Star – Tiffany

Bright lights distract her. So much so that she fails to pay attention to the alien attack taking place (the league), and may as well have been dead before the movie started (the football season).

Memorable Quote: ______________

9: HandsomePantsLess – Captain Jimmy Wilder

He wants to fight, is cocky and "handsome", but realizes that good looks cannot get you through an alien invasion.  Eventually gets killed in a dogfight (trades TB12).

Memorable Quote: Check me out, Stevie. I'm gonna try something.

8: Dirty Dirty Sanchez – Constance Spano

Constance – DDS has been constant – winning the league only to come back and compete in the next year. This is a stretch, but if DDS actually showed up to drafts I might have more material.

Constance: Now what do we do?
President Thomas Whitmore: Address the nation. There's gonna be a lot of frightened people out there.
Constance: Yeah. I'm one of 'em.

7: 10ThingsNotSkrillex – First Lady Marilyn Whitmore

A powerful figure, who fails to do anything (Vick) early in the movie, a casualty of the alien attack.  However, she can eat 10 double cheeseburgers.

Memorable Quote: Liar

6: Statutory Apes – Jasmine Dubrow

Stripper with a heart of gold.

Memorable Quote: Not even a four pointer. Go back to sleep.

5: Cunning Stunts – General William Grey

General Grey played an important role as a key advisor to the president and leader of the U.S. troops. Unfortunately, despite his powerful position (Arian Foster) he could only watch the carnage unfold around him, powerless to do anything about it due to the ineffectiveness of his weapons (Stafford) as [other teams] make significant playoff runs.

Memorable Quote: Hasn't anyone told you? ...El Toro has been completely destroyed.

4:  27 Tampa – Albert Zimzicki

President Thomas J. Whitmore’s internal nemesis, Albert Zimzicki most certainly would take issue with the president using his executive power to refuse to use nuclear weapons against the aliens pull Sidney Rice off the draft board.

Memorable Quote: Two words, Mr. President: "Plausible deniability".

3: Birdmen – Russell Casse

Pilot – Crop Dusting - Alien Abudcted - Alien Anally Probed (see No Feelings), what more needs to be said?

Memorable Quote: Payback's a bitch, ain't it?

2: Fecophocles – David Levinson

In Independence Day, David Levinson was the genius who deciphered the alien’s code and used their technology against them.  Fecophocles has done just that with No Feelings strategy, only he’s executed it better than No Feelings could ever hope to.

Memorable Quote: A toast, to the end of the world.

1: No Feelings – The Alien Invasion

Much like a parasitic infestation, No Feelings has infected the league with an up-and-down strategy, trade picks for players one year, and lay low the next. This was on full display during the draft, when No Feelings wheeled-and-dealed in specious back-room dealings, acquiring Aaron Rodgers and Megatron. Of course, Doctotors (Dr. Okun) was the team complicit with No Feelings execution of this strategy. Of course, everyone knows how the movie ends for the aliens.

Memorable Quote: DIEEEEEEEE!

And once again the Vince is without a hero. (Captain Steven Hiller). God help us all.