Why Your Team Sucks: Fecophocles

Common Greek mythology holds that the 12 classical Olympians are Zeus, Hera, Poseidon, Demeter, Athena, Dionysus, Apollo, Artemis, Ares, Aphrodite, Hephaestus, and Hermes.  These ancient deities resided in the Pantheon and controlled the earth, sky, and everything in between.  Little did the Greeks know, there was a lesser-known Olympian that didn't quite make the historical scrolls:

Fecophocles: The Greek god of the Deuce

As his name suggests, the tool of Fecophocles' trade is poop.  Poop sucks.  So why does Fecophocles' team suck?  It's literally a roster of poop.  To be fair, Fecophocles is a part of history, so it makes sense that he doesn't know history.  Otherwise, he would know that rarely does trying to buy a championship work.
 

Fecophocles in his rape room.

Fact: Bankrolls Fecophocles.

The Vince was literally set apoop yesterday when Fecophocles sent his 2013 2nd, 3rd, and 8th round picks to the Arizona Immigration Tacos for Roddy White, Frank Gore, and Ahmad Bradshaw.  Fecophocles is a student of the No Feelings school of fantasy football, which, because of an absence of draft picks, means he'll take a nap during the next draft to rest up for the drinking of the Bucket -- which will not bear his name for 2013.

Ok, so Fecophocles' roster is not poop.  But anything can happen in fake football.  Half of the "studs" on his team have spent as much time on injury reports in their careers as 10ThingsNotSkrillex has spent talking about eating 10 double cheeseburgers.  All it takes in fantasy football is one (or in Fecophocles' case, three or four) injury to make a great team average.  And locker room cohesion has to mean something in fantasy, right?  I'm setting the over/under on weeks that Fecophocles kicks himself because he made an incorrect roster decision at 3.5.

Perhaps Joseph R. "Coop" Cooper said it best in Baseketball when he was speaking directly to Fecophocles: "So go back to your fancy cars...and your big bank accounts...and your celebrity friends...and your Cruz, Harvin, Marshall, and Roddy....and your MJD, Gore, Bradshaw, and Jackson...and your RGIII and Matty Ice....and your beautiful women, and Victoria Silvestedt, Playmate of the Year... FUCK!

p.s. If the Birdmen played Fecophocles head-to-head each week this year, Fecophocles would be 4-3.  Not exactly gangbusters.