Memo - To: Giants Fans From: J-Lo

MEMO: Privileged and Confidential

To: Fans of the New York (Football) Giants

From: Jared Lorenzen (backup Giants waterboy)

RE: 2007 Playoffs

Hey fans, I know you're excited, I'm excited too. We just won our first playoff game since Eli took the reigns as underdogs, away against the Bucs. It was a hard fought game in which Eli put up good numbers, the defense was tough and relentless, and Toomer and Jacobs played pretty much mistake free. But let's face it, Eli SUCKS. At this point he looks better throwing off his back foot. When he is balanced, he throws the ball into the ground. Just ask Steve Smith (#12) and pretty much every receiver we have. There's YAC to be gained, but Eli ensures that it doesn't happen by placing the ball in such a difficult catching position that 9 times out of 10, they're bracing for the inevitable hit, rather than trying to make a move. Actually Steve Smith is a bad example. Even when he catches the ball in a good position to gain some yards, he manages to run 5 yards in the wrong direction before trying to move upfield. But that's not the point here.

The point is, the Giants are going nowhere with Eli. He's not a man's man. You've seen him under pressure in the pocket. He'd be better off with Peyton "happy feet" over his 1 read, then panicked throw. If Chris Snee turned around and tapped him on the shoulder, Eli would crap his pants, run out of the pocket and throw the ball to the other team just so he doesn't have to worry about getting hit. I'm surprised Shockey hasn't taken the opportunity to clothesline him. That guy is badass.

Plus Eli eats like a bird. No self respecting football player can be successful eating the side salad from Wendys 2 meals a day. I'm pretty sure that's what the women's gymnastics team gets catered to them. Me, I put down at least 10 Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers, 5 fries, 4 orders of chicken nuggets (with honey mustard), 2 large frosties (chocolate and vanilla), and a baked potato with the works (gotta eat the veggies).

I'm a man's man, and Eli can't even get his mom to return his calls. No wonder he can't concentrate on football. Last night I called up two of my finest ladies to celebrate the victory. What did Eli do? He wept like a little girl, and complained about a "boo-boo" on his "heinie" which he got when Brandon Jacobs gave him a congratulatory slap on the ass.

Seriously, his numbers speak for themselves. 23 TD's and 20 INT's? That's Joey Harrington type numbers. We could have beaten the Patriots if Eli hadn't decided to shit the bed. I'm pretty sure he plays with a perpetual load in his pants. That's why Hedgecock stands so far back in the I formation. That also explains his immobility, who wants to run around with a skidmark.

Dallas is going to be tough and it's going to take every ounce of restraint not to be the Tonya Harding to Eli's Nancy Kerrigan. Anything to get him out of the game. I think I'll try out for American Gladiators if this QB thing falls through, I'd be a gladiator. Eli wouldn't even be a contender in the women's bracket. My nickname would be J-Lo, his would be SHEli.