Friday, December 14, 2012

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year




It's the most wonderful time of the year!
With Hamor cellar dwelling,
And Matt Brown telling me, "There's always next year,"
It's the most wonderful time of the year!

It's the hap-happiest season of all!
With those smack talking greetings and gay Tuna meetings,
When Percy Harvin takes a fall,
It's the hap-happiest season of all!

There'll be new bucket hosting,
Palmeri is toasting,
Barreling Dickstein out of the show.
KJ's team's still deplorey,
And tales of the glories of,
Buckets won long, long ago.

It's the most wonderful time of the year,
There'll be much Greggy gloating,
and Woodis' boner growing,
When championships are near!

It's the most wonderful time...
It's the most wonderful time...
It's the most wonderful time...
It's the most wonderful time of the year!


For those of us who never made it (Birdman, Dicktotr, Cartona, LRob, DRob, Mook) and those who barely suckled the playoff teet (Mario, Dickstein), it's far from the most wonderful time of the year.  Some of the esteemed members of the Vince may disagree, but I'm solidly of the opinion that fantasy football is probably 80% luck.  The other 20% requires the know-how to not royally mess up a draft and earnestly trying to make use of the waiver wire and/or trades.  If you can give yourself some semblance of a fantasy football team, lady luck will either shine on you or kick you in the yule log.  How else to explain the No Feelings super team getting bounced in the first round?  Or prognosticators thinking the Birdmen had a shot to make some noise in the playoffs this year only to hit a five-game losing streak after trading for Ray Rice?  If you, dear reader, will allow me to vent for just a moment, I would like to kick my bastard child of a team while they're down.  F them all.  F them long, and F them hard. 

I feel better.

Like I said in the Poo-Men's edition of Why Your Team Sucks, ANYTHING can happen in the playoffs.  Like an injury to LeSean McCoy.  Or Amendola.  Or Hernandez and Bowe and Nelson and Nicks.

That being said, I'd like to compare everyone's teams to a Christmas movie.  This might have been done before, but I don't care.

In order of current standings:

1. 27 Tampa - Miracle on 34th Street

Yes, KJ, the playoffs are real.  Only a miracle can explain the easy schedule the fighting KJacks took to a first round bye.  So yes, Miracle on 34th Street is fitting.  Or I guess I should say Miracle on 34th Strasse since you're in Germany.


2. Fecophocles - Scrooged 

Pompous, a wealth of (fantasy) assets, and ruthless.  Meet Greg Bautista.  He hoarded fantasy players in his quest to become a big shot in the Vince.  But will his corporate greed come back to haunt him?



3. Cunning Stunts - Nightmare Before Christmas 

Much like Jack Skellington, the Pumpkin King of Halloween Town, Woodis grew bored with his team and routine, coasting through the season with the same cast of characters.  So he decided to dupe Tuna into trading him Jimmy Graham for picks similar to what I was offering and...Jonathan Stewart?  Tuna thought this was a better deal, thus sealing my Nightmare Before Christmas.

4. Statutory Apes - Die Hard

Part of me hates to give Palmeri such an awesome movie and one of the best action heroes of all time in John McClain, but what else to give to the oft-maligned Commissioner who sells off key assets before the deadline only to see his team improve?  That makes him and his team Die Hard.  Although unsubstantiated, after Brown traded for Reggie Wayne in the deal heard 'round the proctologist world, Palmeri said, "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!"



5. No Feelings - Bad Santa 

Dreams and plans all year to knock off a shopping mall at Christmas with a little henchman.  Mario dreams and plans all year to knock off the Vince at Christmas with a little henchman (Matt Brown).  Likes his smokes and has sexy time encounters in public places like Billy Bob.



6. Dirty Dirty Sanchez - Eight Crazy Nights

Self explanatory.



7. Doctotrs - Gremlins 


Brown dresses like a gremlin, is averse to water, and can't be fed after midnight.  Throughout the movie, the gremlins are annoying to the cute mogwai, Gizmo.  Brown sent a million text messages to yours truly -- poking and prodding my failure to make the playoffs.  Also, harbors a deep resentment to the true #1 receiver of the International Playboys.


8. 10 Things Not Skrillex - Love Actually 

On the surface, Toons loves to hate the Commissioner, crying corruption and constantly stirring the pot.  But we all know deep down what his true feelings are.  Definitely dances to Jump (For My Love) alone at night regularly.


9. Birdmen - A Charlie Brown Christmas 

Perpetually down on his luck, cute, much too young to have hair issues, and from the midwest, yes, Charlie Brown embodies the Birdmen like no one else.  Pick your analogy -- Charlie thinking he's finally going to kick the football and then Lucy yanks it away at the last second or his meager little Christmas tree -- either one is apt to describe the gut punch my loser fantasy team delivered me.  An autopsy was performed on the Birdmen after the season after a suspected heart attack and it was discovered they never had a heart to begin with.


10. SB1070 Tacos - National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 

Both LRob and Clark Griswold thought their holiday season would be perfect.  Coming out of the draft with a very formidable team, the whole world just seemed to be against the Tacos from the start.  Cousin Eddie (Greg Jennings) was a constant annoyance. 



11. HandsomePantsLess - A Christmas Story

 DXR not only wears his hair like Ralphie, but also has a banana suit which rivals the pink bunny suit in ridiculousness.  Had to rinse his mouth out with soap after trading his namesake quarterback. 



12. S. Taylor's All-star - Home Alone  

Isolated after being banished to the attic (or cellar, for Hamor) at Christmas.  Comes up with a plan to stave off the wet bandits (or the Jimmy Suck-It) and protect his home...and hilarity ensues.  The league collectively screams like little Kevin McAllister putting on after shave after Hamor trades away Trent Richardson for pennies on the dollar.


To all the members of the Vince:  Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Happy New Year.  See ya guys on January 5.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Power Rankings – Independence Day (1996)

These power rankings* are a not so in depth look at the teams in the league, loosely compared to the cast of the 1996 blockbuster/smashhit/bestmovieever Independence Day.

*power rankings are based on the Yahoo! system

12. SB1070 Tacos – President Thomas J. Whitmore

Having literally traded away every halfway decent player on his roster, SB1070 Tacos has become the league favorite to finish in dead last place.  S. Taylor’s All-Star can breathe a sigh of relief as there may be a team that will beat his in the race to the bottom. Some might argue that President Thomas J. Whitmore is the wrong ranking for a team with a #12 ranking. Make no mistake, this ranking has nothing to do with the team and everything to do with SB1070 Taco’s affinity for the greatest presidential speech in the history of mankind. Mankind…that word should have new meaning for all of us today…

Memorable Quote:

11: Doctotors – Dr. Brackish Okun



It’s surprising to see the 6th place Doctotors so low in the power rankings.  That might have to do with the always threatening two-tight end set Doctotors seems to think will be effective or the dangerous on paper but hardly effective wide receiving corps. Nevertheless Dr. Brackish Okun (portrayed by Brent Spiner) was the clear choice – a little eccentric, pretends to be knowledgeable, but ultimately gets killed by the aliens and used as a telepathic communications puppet (more on that later).

Memorable Quote: This is the vault. Or as some of us like to call it: The Freak Show. or AUTODRAFT

10: S. Taylor’s All-Star – Tiffany



Bright lights distract her. So much so that she fails to pay attention to the alien attack taking place (the league), and may as well have been dead before the movie started (the football season).

Memorable Quote: ______________

9: HandsomePantsLess – Captain Jimmy Wilder


He wants to fight, is cocky and "handsome", but realizes that good looks cannot get you through an alien invasion.  Eventually gets killed in a dogfight (trades TB12).

Memorable Quote: Check me out, Stevie. I'm gonna try something.

8: Dirty Dirty Sanchez – Constance Spano


Constance – DDS has been constant – winning the league only to come back and compete in the next year. This is a stretch, but if DDS actually showed up to drafts I might have more material.

Constance: Now what do we do?
President Thomas Whitmore: Address the nation. There's gonna be a lot of frightened people out there.
Constance
: Yeah. I'm one of 'em.


7: 10ThingsNotSkrillex – First Lady Marilyn Whitmore



A powerful figure, who fails to do anything (Vick) early in the movie, a casualty of the alien attack.  However, she can eat 10 double cheeseburgers.

Memorable Quote: Liar

6: Statutory Apes – Jasmine Dubrow


Stripper with a heart of gold.

Memorable Quote: Not even a four pointer. Go back to sleep.

5: Cunning Stunts – General William Grey



General Grey played an important role as a key advisor to the president and leader of the U.S. troops. Unfortunately, despite his powerful position (Arian Foster) he could only watch the carnage unfold around him, powerless to do anything about it due to the ineffectiveness of his weapons (Stafford) as [other teams] make significant playoff runs.

Memorable Quote: Hasn't anyone told you? ...El Toro has been completely destroyed.

4:  27 Tampa – Albert Zimzicki


President Thomas J. Whitmore’s internal nemesis, Albert Zimzicki most certainly would take issue with the president using his executive power to refuse to use nuclear weapons against the aliens pull Sidney Rice off the draft board.

Memorable Quote: Two words, Mr. President: "Plausible deniability".

3: Birdmen – Russell Casse



Pilot – Crop Dusting - Alien Abudcted - Alien Anally Probed (see No Feelings), what more needs to be said?

Memorable Quote: Payback's a bitch, ain't it?

2: Fecophocles – David Levinson

In Independence Day, David Levinson was the genius who deciphered the alien’s code and used their technology against them.  Fecophocles has done just that with No Feelings strategy, only he’s executed it better than No Feelings could ever hope to.

Memorable Quote: A toast, to the end of the world.

1: No Feelings – The Alien Invasion


Much like a parasitic infestation, No Feelings has infected the league with an up-and-down strategy, trade picks for players one year, and lay low the next. This was on full display during the draft, when No Feelings wheeled-and-dealed in specious back-room dealings, acquiring Aaron Rodgers and Megatron. Of course, Doctotors (Dr. Okun) was the team complicit with No Feelings execution of this strategy. Of course, everyone knows how the movie ends for the aliens.

Memorable Quote: DIEEEEEEEE!

And once again the Vince is without a hero. (Captain Steven Hiller). God help us all.

State of the League


Fellow Members of the Vince:

As we have arrived at the midway point of the season, we take a moment to reflect on the State of the League. As I contemplate of the State of the League today, I cannot help but think of our humble beginnings. When I founded this league, we were just another fake football league with no common purpose or goal, a ton of douchey managers, and online drafts. At that point, my thoughts shift to the trip to New Jersey when a lack of fuel and too much White Castle merged to force that fateful pit-stop at the Vince Lombardi Memorial Rest Stop. In the bowels of the restroom, and literally in my bowels, a dream was born. A dream of a more perfect League. A League of excellence. A League of greatness. Today, we are the Vince. And we are stronger than ever. I am proud to have presided over this period of growth and prosperity. Although the road has not always been smooth, together we have tackled difficult issues and conquered challenges in making this not just another fake football league, but the premier fake football league.

The commitment of our members sets us apart from all other fake football leagues. We take a moment to acknowledge our members who remain strongly committed to the League despite significant life changes. "27 Tampa" will now manage his team as the "45 Reims" and the "SB Tacos" will soon be the "Freedom Tacos." The intensity of your commitment to the league is matched only by the intensity of your tension over Sidney Rice.

Guided by the lessons and teachings of our Patron Saint Vincent we have bonded together to make a tremendous amount of progress and achieved success in all areas of the League:
  • Continuity. 11 of 12 managers for four years and the current composition for three straight years despite spanning 377 miles, four states*, one district and now two continents (4,139.7 miles);  
  • increased dues (and thereby payouts) three years in a row; 
  • unprecedented amount of parity at the trading deadline;
  • underdogs rising up from the ashes and heavy favorites scrambling;
  • the greatest draft/meat smoking to date; 
  • increased league participation on the league board/email chains;
  • casting the league as Batman characters;
  • two separate blogs featuring pictures of dildos and poo-Gods;
  • the fiery rise of the Birdman from the ashes - thought to be near extinction, now a flaming contender.
*fact: skrillex is a masshole (if he actually has a job that he has to show up for, which is questionable)
Indeed, these are achievements and steps forward that we should celebrate - and celebrate we shall.

As Commissioner I am proud of the steps we have taken together and look forward to using them as building blocks toward a brighter future for all. The Vince is the shining League on a hill.

Yet, we must also acknowledge the stumbles and less-desirable constants in our League. Like the trail of tears (sorry Cunning Stunts), the holocaust (half-sorry DD Sanchez), racial inequality (sorry No Feelings) and disco (sorry Doctotors) we must remind ourselves of these occurrences so that we can continue to evolve and strive to avoid repeating the mistakes of the past:
  • less than 100% draft attendance;
  • the arms race at the trading deadline; 
  • snake versus non-snake debate;
  • **updated** letting ra-tards decide that we should put the players picked with traded picks at the bottom of the draft board;
  • FecoBrady-rage; 
  • undermining tactics of Vice Commissioner Noah Handsomepants Daniels;
  • lack of depth (bro);
  • the commitment of the Sean Taylor All-Stars to never sniff the playoffs, make a trade, or reply to any league related correspondence. . . ever;
  • and the most atrocious and uncalled for of all - unyielding commissioner bashing.
 

Understanding our past failings, we can break them down and mold them into the steel that will forge a stronger League. Cognizant of our humble responsibilities, we must always strive for excellence. Ambitious goals have been set and we are progressing toward jackets, patches and an improved Jim Trophy. I also look forward to further increasing dues (and thereby the payouts), examining the operation of the waiver wire and potential changes thereto, exploring other draft venues, implementing modern technology to improve the draft day experience, purchasing a lock box for car keys on the day of the draft, adding an overseas franchise (the Reims), holding a draft overseas at the Reims headquarters and unveiling a League fight song to be authored and performed by the Crying Dolphins.

In closing, thank you all for your commitment to a better and more prosperous League. As the Patron Saint once said: "Perfection is not attainable. But if we chase perfection, we can catch excellence."

Thank you, God Bless You, God Bless America, and God Bless the Vince.

(applause and HJs)

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Why Your Team Sucks: Fecophocles

Common Greek mythology holds that the 12 classical Olympians are Zeus, Hera, Poseidon, Demeter, Athena, Dionysus, Apollo, Artemis, Ares, Aphrodite, Hephaestus, and Hermes.  These ancient deities resided in the Pantheon and controlled the earth, sky, and everything in between.  Little did the Greeks know, there was a lesser-known Olympian that didn't quite make the historical scrolls:
Fecophocles: The Greek god of the Deuce


As his name suggests, the tool of Fecophocles' trade is poop.  Poop sucks.  So why does Fecophocles' team suck?  It's literally a roster of poop.  To be fair, Fecophocles is a part of history, so it makes sense that he doesn't know history.  Otherwise, he would know that rarely does trying to buy a championship work.
 
Fecophocles in his rape room.
Fact: Bankrolls Fecophocles.
























The Vince was literally set apoop yesterday when Fecophocles sent his 2013 2nd, 3rd, and 8th round picks to the Arizona Immigration Tacos for Roddy White, Frank Gore, and Ahmad Bradshaw.  Fecophocles is a student of the No Feelings school of fantasy football, which, because of an absence of draft picks, means he'll take a nap during the next draft to rest up for the drinking of the Bucket -- which will not bear his name for 2013.

Ok, so Fecophocles' roster is not poop.  But anything can happen in fake football.  Half of the "studs" on his team have spent as much time on injury reports in their careers as 10ThingsNotSkrillex has spent talking about eating 10 double cheeseburgers.  All it takes in fantasy football is one (or in Fecophocles' case, three or four) injury to make a great team average.  And locker room cohesion has to mean something in fantasy, right?  I'm setting the over/under on weeks that Fecophocles kicks himself because he made an incorrect roster decision at 3.5.

Perhaps Joseph R. "Coop" Cooper said it best in Baseketball when he was speaking directly to Fecophocles: "So go back to your fancy cars...and your big bank accounts...and your celebrity friends...and your Cruz, Harvin, Marshall, and Roddy....and your MJD, Gore, Bradshaw, and Jackson...and your RGIII and Matty Ice....and your beautiful women, and Victoria Silvestedt, Playmate of the Year... FUCK!

p.s. If the Birdmen played Fecophocles head-to-head each week this year, Fecophocles would be 4-3.  Not exactly gangbusters.

Why Your Team Sucks: Birdmen

Not surprisingly the Birdmen went from obscurity to quasi relevance this season with a Drew Bree's led roster that has underperformed but has the potential to explode any give week. (Explode like the commissioners butthole after eating kielbasa.)
After finishing dead last and being called out by Fecophocles during the offseason, Birdmen have taken flight like a flock of dildo loving birds. Check the resemblance below.


Despite lofty projections, Birdmen have yet to face the upper echelon of the league and halfway through the regular season was only able to muster a 4-3 record, losing to both Robinsons and Dirty Dirty Tebow Sanchez. Losing to those teams is like losing to the male nurses.

Tough matches are on the horizon with Fecophocles, No Feelings, and the overachieving 27 Tampa (who we expect to have a Yankee-like collapse) on tap for weeks 9-11.

Also questionable are the trades made by Birdmen, as they follow up a trade-raping by Handsome Pants (less) swapping Antonio Gates for Aaron Hernandez and picks, with a questionable sell-low on Brandon Lloyd for 5th and 10th round picks.

Taking a quick spin around the Birdmen roster, starting Philip Tanner (a move that indicates Birdmen is either paying attention to football or having his fiancé run his team) is a clear act of desperation when stuck in bye week hell. Of course, even when active Birdmen's #2 and #3 RBs suffer from what have become clear two back situations, and both may be on the wrong side of the carries split going forward.

We expect an easy week for Birdmen going against 10ThingsNotSkrillex (why? See below) but who knows, he's lost to far worse teams before.



Monday, October 8, 2012

Why Your Team Sucks: 27 Tampa

This is a very special edition as 27 Tampa is likely viewing this while sipping on a "New England Style" beverage in Martha's Vineyard, like a lime rickey, following a great weekend wedding. The league convened in what appears to be a black walled rape box, with the commissioner getting into a position he is accustomed to.




 




The ceremony was truly beautiful with Samuel L. Jackson making a cameo appearance as an alter server.



This must really have been a special occassion as several league members passed up the opportunity to obtain this fantastic T-Shirt to attend.

The ceremony had several highlights, including Doctotors sporting the only black-tie at a non-black-tie-optional event, HandsomPants getting yelled at by the bartender, and doctorors swatting a napkin holder to the floor. The Crying Dolphins also made an appearance at the afterparty. 

So congratulations 27 Tampa. It's fucking shocking that your team is undefeated after four weeks of piss-poor performance. Let's face it, 27 Tampa is in the bottom half of the league in total points scored. The most he's scored in a given week is 118 points and only one opponent has managed to score 100 points against him.  27 Tampa is a .500 team at best.

Even Aaron Rodgers would be able to win against those shitty opponents and he kinda sucks.  Certainly not worth crying over when he gets traded for the handsomest QB in the league. But hey 27 Tampa, you get to choose between Dandy Andy Dalton, Smug Cutler, and Big Ben. That's worse than having to choose between dropping a deuce in a port-o-potty, gas station, or the Governor Bradford (although we all know which one the Commissioner would choose - and then leave his credit card behind).

So keep up the good work, 27 Tampa. With any luck you'll catch a run of teams with key players on bye weeks and luck your way into the playoffs. It's like the exact opposite of No Feelings, but we'll get to his team soon enough.

http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2012/10/meet-the-spaniard-version-of-aaron-rodgers.html

Monday, September 24, 2012

Why Your Team Sucks: 10 Things Not Skrillex

One of the most vocal critics of the league governance at the 2012 constitutional convention, 10 Things was notoriously absent at a critical time for the league, poolside at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. Serious hangovers made it next to impossible to discuss serious league issues, but a serious amount of commissioner bashing took place, which is always a critical time for 10 Things to participate in.

10 Things looked like he had won the animal abuse quarterback lottery in 2010 when Vick went off and looked like the single greatest fantasy player of all-time. Now in 2012, coming off an injury plagued 2011 campaign, 10 Things looked poised to go another run in 2012. Inconsistency has resulted in a 1-1 and soon to be 1-2 start and it is yet to be determined which version of Vick is going to predominate in 2012.


Most disconcerting is the similarities between 10 Things and his starting QB.

  • Both take regular beatings from the opposition. Vick from opposing defenses, 10 Things from opposing bags of oranges.
  • Both harbor hatred and ill-will for the commissioner, although Vick is much less vocal about it.
  • Both have been referred to as a "joke" or a "Joker" by league commentators.
  • Neither one plays defense, period.
  • Barring a Sidney Rice 50 point miracle, both got blown out in Week 3.
10 Things may be off to a rough start, but much of that can be attributed to bad luck and injury (and a serious lack of depth, BRO). There is much chatter about whether 10 Things is a real contender in 2012 and the prevailing opinion at this early juncture is, "hell no." But 10 Things has an unfavorable week 4 matchup against an underperforming No Feelings who is due for some good luck with Rodgers playing a soft New Orleans defense.



The only hope is if Vick 10 Things can avoid the sack of oranges in week 4 or at least absorb the shock with his form fitting Kevlar vest.