It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

It's the most wonderful time of the year!
With Hamor cellar dwelling,
And Matt Brown telling me, "There's always next year,"
It's the most wonderful time of the year!

It's the hap-happiest season of all!
With those smack talking greetings and gay Tuna meetings,
When Percy Harvin takes a fall,
It's the hap-happiest season of all!

There'll be new bucket hosting,
Palmeri is toasting,
Barreling Dickstein out of the show.
KJ's team's still deplorey,
And tales of the glories of,
Buckets won long, long ago.

It's the most wonderful time of the year,
There'll be much Greggy gloating,
and Woodis' boner growing,
When championships are near!

It's the most wonderful time...
It's the most wonderful time...
It's the most wonderful time...
It's the most wonderful time of the year!


For those of us who never made it (Birdman, Dicktotr, Cartona, LRob, DRob, Mook) and those who barely suckled the playoff teet (Mario, Dickstein), it's far from the most wonderful time of the year.  Some of the esteemed members of the Vince may disagree, but I'm solidly of the opinion that fantasy football is probably 80% luck.  The other 20% requires the know-how to not royally mess up a draft and earnestly trying to make use of the waiver wire and/or trades.  If you can give yourself some semblance of a fantasy football team, lady luck will either shine on you or kick you in the yule log.  How else to explain the No Feelings super team getting bounced in the first round?  Or prognosticators thinking the Birdmen had a shot to make some noise in the playoffs this year only to hit a five-game losing streak after trading for Ray Rice?  If you, dear reader, will allow me to vent for just a moment, I would like to kick my bastard child of a team while they're down.  F them all.  F them long, and F them hard. 

I feel better.

Like I said in the Poo-Men's edition of Why Your Team Sucks, ANYTHING can happen in the playoffs.  Like an injury to LeSean McCoy.  Or Amendola.  Or Hernandez and Bowe and Nelson and Nicks.

That being said, I'd like to compare everyone's teams to a Christmas movie.  This might have been done before, but I don't care.

In order of current standings:

1. 27 Tampa - Miracle on 34th Street

Yes, KJ, the playoffs are real.  Only a miracle can explain the easy schedule the fighting KJacks took to a first round bye.  So yes, Miracle on 34th Street is fitting.  Or I guess I should say Miracle on 34th Strasse since you're in Germany.


2. Fecophocles - Scrooged 

Pompous, a wealth of (fantasy) assets, and ruthless.  Meet Greg Bautista.  He hoarded fantasy players in his quest to become a big shot in the Vince.  But will his corporate greed come back to haunt him?



3. Cunning Stunts - Nightmare Before Christmas 

Much like Jack Skellington, the Pumpkin King of Halloween Town, Woodis grew bored with his team and routine, coasting through the season with the same cast of characters.  So he decided to dupe Tuna into trading him Jimmy Graham for picks similar to what I was offering and...Jonathan Stewart?  Tuna thought this was a better deal, thus sealing my Nightmare Before Christmas.

4. Statutory Apes - Die Hard

Part of me hates to give Palmeri such an awesome movie and one of the best action heroes of all time in John McClain, but what else to give to the oft-maligned Commissioner who sells off key assets before the deadline only to see his team improve?  That makes him and his team Die Hard.  Although unsubstantiated, after Brown traded for Reggie Wayne in the deal heard 'round the proctologist world, Palmeri said, "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!"



5. No Feelings - Bad Santa 

Dreams and plans all year to knock off a shopping mall at Christmas with a little henchman.  Mario dreams and plans all year to knock off the Vince at Christmas with a little henchman (Matt Brown).  Likes his smokes and has sexy time encounters in public places like Billy Bob.



6. Dirty Dirty Sanchez - Eight Crazy Nights

Self explanatory.



7. Doctotrs - Gremlins 


Brown dresses like a gremlin, is averse to water, and can't be fed after midnight.  Throughout the movie, the gremlins are annoying to the cute mogwai, Gizmo.  Brown sent a million text messages to yours truly -- poking and prodding my failure to make the playoffs.  Also, harbors a deep resentment to the true #1 receiver of the International Playboys.


8. 10 Things Not Skrillex - Love Actually 

On the surface, Toons loves to hate the Commissioner, crying corruption and constantly stirring the pot.  But we all know deep down what his true feelings are.  Definitely dances to Jump (For My Love) alone at night regularly.


9. Birdmen - A Charlie Brown Christmas 

Perpetually down on his luck, cute, much too young to have hair issues, and from the midwest, yes, Charlie Brown embodies the Birdmen like no one else.  Pick your analogy -- Charlie thinking he's finally going to kick the football and then Lucy yanks it away at the last second or his meager little Christmas tree -- either one is apt to describe the gut punch my loser fantasy team delivered me.  An autopsy was performed on the Birdmen after the season after a suspected heart attack and it was discovered they never had a heart to begin with.


10. SB1070 Tacos - National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 

Both LRob and Clark Griswold thought their holiday season would be perfect.  Coming out of the draft with a very formidable team, the whole world just seemed to be against the Tacos from the start.  Cousin Eddie (Greg Jennings) was a constant annoyance. 



11. HandsomePantsLess - A Christmas Story

 DXR not only wears his hair like Ralphie, but also has a banana suit which rivals the pink bunny suit in ridiculousness.  Had to rinse his mouth out with soap after trading his namesake quarterback. 



12. S. Taylor's All-star - Home Alone  

Isolated after being banished to the attic (or cellar, for Hamor) at Christmas.  Comes up with a plan to stave off the wet bandits (or the Jimmy Suck-It) and protect his home...and hilarity ensues.  The league collectively screams like little Kevin McAllister putting on after shave after Hamor trades away Trent Richardson for pennies on the dollar.


To all the members of the Vince:  Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Happy New Year.  See ya guys on January 5.